Sitting in the car park in Waitrose – I was in a car, not on the floor – I did a trump, a pretty big one. I’d needed a trump for my whole shopping trip but I’m not a monster, so I waited until I was back in my car, so I didn’t offend anybody. What could go wrong? A knock on the window could go wrong. It could be the girl from the off license could go wrong. That’s what could go wrong. And that’s what happened. I just stared at her for a while unable to process what was happening to me. She was saying hello. I mouthed back hello. I don’t know why I didn’t say it, the window wasn’t soundproof or anything.

“I couldn’t get a lift, could I?” she was asking. Oh my God, this was all my dreams come true. Except of course I couldn’t give her a lift, I couldn’t even wind down the window a crack for fear of my trumps escaping and melting her face off like a spirit long trapped in the Ark of the Covenant. I had to think and think fast I thought. And then I thought about how long that thought had taken. And that one, and soon I’d been sitting there for maybe a whole minute just thinking about how long my thinking was taking. She’d tried to attract my attention a couple of times during this minute but I had my thinking face on.

“No.” I told her, shaking my head. I then, for reasons not even I can explain, waved at her just like the queen waves. with my hand nearly turned over. I then drove off. I think she was relieved.

It doesn’t end there. I drove down the road hating my life and I saw a hitchhiker, he looked at me and I could see contempt on his face so I flicked him the Vs and mouthed “fuck off.” I mouth things in cars. I drove a bit further and while sitting at a traffic lights I thumped and pulled at the steering wheel as vigorously as I dared without detonating the airbag. Looking in the rear-view mirror I saw the hitchhiker approaching at about 5min/mile pace. I trumped again, ensured the doors were locked and closed my eyes tight. I could hear him thumping on my window and trying the door handle and telling me to get out. I counted to 20 and then opened my eyes and drove away. I put the car in the garage when I got home in case the hitch hiker went past.