some old bullshit


Last night it was my mate Basil’s stag do and we went to The Royal Yacht and got totally hammered on WKDs. Really it was the best time.
Wait until you hear about the prank we played on him! Oh man! One of my other mates read in Loaded about some guys on a stag-do who had gotten a rubber johnny and filled it with hair shampoo and stuck it right up the stag’s arse when he was asleep! LOL. We decided to have a bit of that! Lovely jubbly!
So after we’d been clubbing and Basil was totally mangled we all went back to his hotel room. He passed out in about Two. Seconds. Flat and we pulled his pants down. It was then that Tony said the shampoo didn’t really look like spunk. Now, we were drunk and Mott was right and Duncan goes, “here, give me a rubber johnny!” So we do and he puts it on and somehow he gets a stiffy and he’s standing there and he’s cranking it as hard as he can, looking off to something in the distance and his imagination. No doubt a pair of tits or something!!
“Try it in his ass!” Squeals Barry and we all absolutely fell about laughing. So Duncan does and he’s hammering away, full beans, with no joy.
“Let me try!” Slurs Steven, drunkenly pushing Duncan off. He really gives it some but he can’t spunk either. A mixture of being 100% straight and drunk, I guess.
Anyway, everybody had a go with no end product – we were on the verge of giving up – until it was my turn.
I’m giving it loads, trying to focus and , yup, I did it.
It was then I realised I didn’t have the johnny on! Oh jesus! And the spunk had vanished up Basil’s ass!
Oh my Lord we were so drunk.
In the end we went back to plan A and the unrealistic shampoo. He came down to breakfast this morning and he looked very fucking sheepish indeed. It was tough to keep a straight face. I’m cracking up now just thinking about it. Poor Basil, he must think he got bummed for real.
I’ll not tell him the truth until after the wedding! Let him stew for a while!