some old bullshit

Nutrition For Dummies

You wanna be thin, right? Sure you do. Everybody wants to be thin. Well read this and you will be, that’s a guarantee. This isn’t science. This is just what I reckon and have experienced.

Okay, first things first; carbohydrates = sugar. Potatoes, bread, rice, Coco-Pops, Ready-Brek, bagels, Yum-Yums and pasta are all types of sugar. Yeah yeah, I know brown bread isn’t sweet but it is sugar. Sugar, protein and fat are the only three types of food out there. There are different kinds of sugar – the sugar your body gets from pasta is different from the sugar it gets from apples but it’s all sugar.

When you eat sugar, in any of its forms, your body uses it for energy. Straight away, no fucking around and the sugar it doesn’t use it stores. In your kidneys or somewhere.

Your body can store a load of this sugar. When you eat sugar, even in the form of wholewheat pasta, it tops up this store of sugar you have. This store is called a glycogen store and it’s what powers your muscles. Okay? You with me? Bread = sugar and your body uses/stores this sugar.

See we haven’t spoken about fat yet? Even though you’re fat!

The problem – for some people – is your body’s primary source of fuel is from this glycogen store. The sugar store. If you want to lose weight you always have to burn through this store before you even begin burning fat. You store enough glycogen to run the equivalent of 13 miles so it’s not as easy as it sounds.

So if you wanted to lose weight you would need to burn through this store before you get down to the fat. Your body is very good at using sugar for fuel – it has a big store of it – it is very bad at burning fat as it generally never has to.

So if you were trying to lose weight you would need to burn through this store of sugar your body holds by doing the equivalent of a half marathon and not eating anything. That would be tough, right? Hard work.  You’d feel okay while you still had this store, although your body would probably be crying out for a baguette because it knows what’s coming when you’ve used up that store and you start burning fat. When that happens, when it actually starts burning fat your body goes, what the fuck is this shit? It’s going, I don’t like this at all and you feel horrible. It’s not because you’re starving to death. It’s just that it’s not very good at burning fat from your belly. Because it never does it. It’s out of practise.

You eat your pasta and rice and potatoes, all low-fat goodness, but the shit thing is that fills up your glycogen store again! And you feel okay for a bit. Maybe, if you’re not eating so much, because you’re on a diet, it won’t fill it all the way to the top but it puts some sugar in the tank and you feel okay again until you empty this store and then you feel like complete shit again and still your body doesn’t get any better at burning fat because you keep giving it carbs and so you have a nap because life is rubbish. You can’t wait until you’ve lost weight so you can start eating eclairs again. This is really taxing your willpower.

Humans don’t have willpower. That’s why fat people happen. Oh yeah, you’re going to cut back on calories? For the rest of your life? Sure thing, whatever.

Now clearly a perfect scenario would be that your body burned the fat around your belly for energy rather than the sugar store, yeah? Of course, but it is never going to do that unless you stop stuffing sugar into it. I keep saying sugar but I mean the sugar from bread and rice etc. Starch, is it? Something like that. That sugar. Not talking about the white powdery sugar. You shouldn’t eat too much of that, either. But I’m talking about bread and that.

And that’s why I am here today to promote a low carbohydrate diet.


There’s a lot written about low carbohydrate diets recently. Too much. They’ve made it sound all complicated. It’s not. I first read a bit about the PALEO DIET and I quite liked what I initially read. It made perfect sense in-so-much that it derived its name because the human body is arguably not designed to eat all of these carbohydrates, because in the timeline of humans being alive carbohydrates have only recently become our main source of energy. That was it really. I read that and it kinda made sense. I read a bit more and there was a lot of old bollocks too.

Before I went low carbohydrate I, like you, ate a lot of carbohydrates. I mean, I ate a lot of bread and pasta and rice because that stuff was healthy, particularly for an active person such as myself, and while I wasn’t fat I wasn’t lean and when I used to race bicycles it wasn’t so much of a problem but when I started running I knew there would be some real benefits of losing some weight.

And so one day I decided to cut out all carbohydrates and I felt like a corpse for two or three weeks. I felt fucking horrible. Running was a massive effort but straight away I was losing weight even though I was eating sausages. In the first couple of weeks I’d lost a few pounds and so I decided to stick to my low carbohydrate for a month and then I would start eating like a normal person again.

After 3 weeks or so I actually stopped feeling wretched. I actually started feeling good. I was back up to speed with the running but somewhere in that time my whole attitude to food changed. I loved eating and I still love eating but before I had to eat because I’d get really hungry but now I wasn’t getting hungry. A bear doesn’t roll around all depressed because it hasn’t eaten for a few hours and I was like a bear. I had level energy er… levels all of the time.

I guess what had happened was I didn’t have the glycogen store any more – remember that store of sugar that your body uses? I haven’t got one of those any more because I don’t eat the things that fill it up. And my body was just burning fat for fuel. And even a skinny person has a fuck load of energy stored as fat. So my body got good at burning fat, like it’s designed to, and I didn’t get hungry and would always have energy! It wasn’t completely easy, though.

It was tricky because most food available comes wrapped in carbohydrates. So it was tricky in that respect, when shopping. It was a pain in the dick to just pick up some lunch. But willpower wise it wasn’t tricky at all. Without eating the sugar soon my body stopped craving the sugar. No willpower required! Incredible!

This is where you’re thinking, Fuck that, I couldn’t possibly give up bread and rice. I hear you, buddy, and believe me, I thought the same! But after a couple of weeks it’s easy!

But I’ve gotta have rice with my curry! *Slaps face* That’s your addiction to carbs talking. Have double curry and no rice. You’ll feel better, I promise.

I thought as you did and had I not tried it I wouldn’t believe it. And now 5 years later I still do it. It just feels right. Sure I eat fruit with its sugar content and I drink wine. I think it’s only complex carbs that are bad. Bread, pasta, rice, cereal, potatoes. They’re complex. Alcohol and fruit are simple sugars. So your body deals with them with no problem. It’s the complex ones it doesn’t like. Clue’s in the name. Complex. It struggles with them.

In conclusion: I think a low carbohydrate nutritional regime is fucking awesome. Not just for losing weight, just for general well-being. It’ll change your life.

Also keep in mind I’m only going on personal experience and I could be talking nonsense and I might soon die. And the guarantee at the start wasn’t real.

In a nutshell, don’t eat bread, rice, pasta, cereal and potatoes and instead eat meat and fat and eggs and vegetables and nuts and more fat and cheese and stuff. Be pretty strict about it to begin with, because you’ve gotta change the way your body operates, and cutting out all carbs will speed that up. When your body gets good at burning fat you can relax and have a Portuguese roll from the Gunsite. One won’t kill you. You’re not becoming a monk or anything.