some old bullshit



Can I play the Wii now? What do you say? Can I? Play the Wii? Now? I have given this a great deal of thought and arrived at the undeniable conclusion that there is literally nothing I would rather do, right now, than play on the Wii.

Let us do that, yes? Okay? Do not speak. Your sigh is affirmation enough. Wii, here I come!

What’s that? You have pulled the rug from beneath my Ben 10 shoes. After nursery you say? I can play the Wii then? Let me ponder your suggestion for a nanosecond. Hmm, there is something about what you say and the tone in which you are saying it that strikes a note of discord in my heart but what is it that rankles so much?

I know, I have solved the issue, the answer was staring us in the face all along. The solution is simple. We shall play the Wii now, just briefly, as per my original suggestion. I would much prefer that. That is certainly my preferred option. I shall go to the Wii now and prepare it. No? What do you mean no? Have I not explained my rationale clearly enough?

Yes yes, after nursery. I fully understand and, well, what can I say? That sounds completely fair however I’d much rather play the Wii now, before nursery, how about that? Take a moment and consider that. We’ll play the Wii now? I will, you need not involve yourself. I play the Wii now? So It’s agreed! We’ll do it my way!

What do you mean no? What is this? Surely there must be some give and take in this fledgling father and son relationship of ours. How about it? I play the Wii now?

You’ve said that. I know it is nearly time for nursery so each second you stand around lollygagging the window for Wii depletes. Okay, okay, I’m not entirely unreasonable. I’ve got a pretty good handle on how this works. I go in high and you go in low. So, with that in mind, how about we play the Wii now, before nursery and then… listen to me. Listen to me. Calm down and listen, this is a good plan. You’re not listening to me. Okay? So we’ll play the Wii now, briefly, for ten hours before nursery and then we can go with your plan and play it after nursery. That way we’re both happy.

Come on, I’m throwing you a bone here – take it and run with it while I just go and look at the tremendous software selection here under the telly. I’m not putting it in, am I? Does it look like I’m putting it in? Open your eyes! I am simply looking at the marvellous pictures on the covers. Donkey Kong. Playing Donkey Kong about now sure sounds like a lot of fun. How about it? I’ll be Diddy, you be Donkey. Deal? Shall we do that? Shall we play the Wii now briefly and then I shall put the controller down with no fuss and go off happily to nursery? Do not bother yourself answering me, I shall do all of the hard work.

What? Oh no I am simply looking at the box but what’s the point of looking at the box if the magic disc is not in the box? It could be lost. I must check inside. I’ll open the box and check and then I will plan my next step. The disc is here, it’s almost as if it is written in the stars. We must play the Wii now. To not play the Wii now would be to abnegate the existence of any greater unseen force or deity.

I am not taking it out. I am not. I am just looking at it. I feel frustrated, however I have one final trick up the sleeve of my Mickey Mouse sweater. Invisibility cloak, activate! That felt like it worked. Now to remove the disc from the box and slide it into the slot. What? Gah! Foiled! I was sim- gah! Blasted invisibility cloak failing just when I needed it most. Curses!

Yes I am putting it all back. Yes I am ready to go to nursery, can’t you even see that? Although, if I may, a new thought has just occurred to me and all things being equal I would actually rather not go to nursery. What say you? With no nursery there would be no issue of limiting activities in the finite time-scale before and after nursery. Would that not solve all of our problems? Why did I not think of this sooner? I don’t want to go to nursery, there, I said it and it feels good. Like a weight has been lifted from my small yet strangely hairy shoulders.

We are going to nursery, you say? With all the crying that such a move would entail? Are you sure you want to do this? There’s still time to change your mind. Don’t be a slave to society. Why do I have to go to nursery, give me one good reason? That’s no reason, I do not enjoy the company of those other children apart from Finley with whom I play Ben 10 role-playing games. I like Finley, I really do. But given the choice between that and staying here I choose staying here, although the fact you’ve put my hat on suggests you are paying scant mind to my suggestions.

Typical. You shoot down all of my suggestions. It’s not fair. It’s simply not fair. I shall put my rucksack on and I shall go to nursery. Do not help! I know which arm goes through which strap. Let me do it! I can do it! No! Hang on, this isn’t right, no, I’ve got this. Do I need a wee? It’s nice of you to finally ask me a question for a change but no, I don’t need a wee. If I needed a wee I would go and do a wee. I may be small but I am not a simpleton. Do I need a wee indeed! I will do one at nursery on the small toilets if I find myself with a full bladder. I can do that myself. I can go for a wee on my own. Wee. That’s a funny word. Sounds like Wii. Hey, that gives me an idea. Hear me out. How about we play the Wii now? Right now? What do you say?