some old bullshit

Are You Being Served By Me? Se01Ep03





Steve McArmstrong is gently stroking a white dove that has somehow got in the shop. Mary watches with her hands clasped beneath her chin. Steve takes the dove to the automatic doors which Shush open. He releases the dove. Just then Hector bursts out of his office. The audience applaud. He looks even more foreign and upset than usual. He is waving around a newspaper.

Hector: Oh goodness gracious me! Have-a-you seen-a-da nus?

Steve: The news? Sorry Hector, I don’t read the paper in worktime. 

Hector: Iran and Israel are going to war, it’s curtains for us all!

Mary: War?

Steve strokes Mary’s arm, she looks up at him. She tries to be brave.

Steve: A war between those two could be messy. What with Tehran’s fledgling nuclear programme and Isreal’s American backed military might.

Hector: That’s-a-it! Imma goin’ back-a-to the captial of Uruguay where I come from.

Hector throws his arms up and dances from foot to foot. Mary is biting her lip to stop herself from crying while absent mindedly stroking her flat stomach. Steve is deep in thought.

Steve: Hector, do you trust me?

Hector: More than anything.

Steve: Give me all the money in the till and in the safe.

Mary: Steve, do you have plan?

Steve: I think so, it’s a long shot but it’s the only shot we got.

Steve gazes off through narrowed eyes.

Mary: Hector, get him the money!

Hector: Oh yes!

Hector enters his office.



The office is lit by sporadic flashes from outside explosions. There are also rumbles. Hector is drinking whiskey. Mary is sat opposite him.

Hector: He stole all-a da money!

Mary stands and slaps some sense into Hector.

Mary: I’m sure he tried his best. Perhaps it was just too big of a task. 

There is another loud bang from outside. Mary flinches. Hector takes another swig and wipes his mouth on his sleeve.

Hector: The Jews dey get here so quick.

Mary: I thought they’d be happy with Iran’s surrender but I guess they’re on a roll now. I think they’ve been planning this a while.

Hector: Who can blame them? Well, it’s time. 

Hector lifts up the waste-paper basket and puts his crucifix in it. Mary puts her rosary beads in the bin. Hector takes down the pictures of Jesus from the wall and puts it in the bin. He hands Mary one of those funny little Jewish hats with built in platted side ponytails. She puts it on. Hector puts his on.

Hector: Let’s watch the news. 

Resigned Hector pressed the remote. He rubs his eyes when he see’s what’s on TV. Mary’s mouth hangs open.

On the TV Steve is addressing the UN. On one side of him is a Jew, on the other-side a whatever Iranians are. The Jew and the other guy are holding Steve’s arms up like he just won something. The rest of the UN are going proper mental. Even the Chinese, if they’re in it.

Hector: When will I learn not to doubt him?

Mary: But the war is still going on outside.

Hector stands and looks out of the small window in his office.

Hector: Celebratory fireworks!

Mary and Hector remove their Jewish hats and take their Christian stuff back out of the bin free to follow whatever faith they wish.