some old bullshit

An Interview with Elon Musk

I recently had the opportunity to interview Tesla boss, Elon Musk in his swish Bel Air home. In America. This is that.

JamiePBarker: Fucking hell! Check out this place, excuse my language.

Elon Musk: No problem with the swearing and I’m glad you’re enjoying your opulent surroundings.

JPB: It’s just… is that what I think it is?

EM: No.

JPB: Oh, anyway, thanks for taking the time to do this interview. First things first – Elon. Strange name. Does it mean anything?

EM: Well, it’s actually short for Elongate.

JPB: Your name is Elongate?

EM: Yeah! I’m from some country in Africa so it’s fine. Lucky my name’s not a series of clicks and stuff. 

JPB: Is that racist?

EM: Don’t think so.

JPB: Nor me. Elongate but you actually shorten it! That’s just… so you!

EM: Yeah, I crazy.

JPB: You do seem slightly mad, but good mad. Not Willy Wonka mad. I did not like him.

EM: Have you interviewed him?

JPB: Willy Wonka? No, he’s not real, is he? Just he was scary in the film. Tell you, you called that cave guy a pedo but him, Wonka, rattling around that factory. No wife. Bringing kids in. Weird. That fat kid stuck in tube. Powerless. Wonka looking up at him licking his lips. All the little midget men disgusted but with nowhere else to go. What are you looking at on your phone?

EM: He’s not real.

JPB: So you’re an ideas man. Is that fair?

EM: No.

JPB: Oh, sorry.

EM: I’m actually an engineer. I build things. So, no, I don’t just sit there and dream and come up with, oh, I don’t know, a…

JPB: …

EM: …Ch

JPB: …

EM: …

JPB: A chocolate…

EM: A chocolate… chicken.

JPB: No, you don’t just sit there and come up with fanciful stuff. It’s all rooted in engineering and science and a great example of that is your beloved motor cars. Now they’re electric aren’t they? And drive themselves around?

EM: In a nutshell yeah, they’re electric and drive themselves around.

JPB: A real dream from the 50s come to life! And it happened so suddenly. I didn’t buy my car that long ago but it doesn’t even have anywhere to plug my phone in. Had to buy a USB thing for the cigarette lighter. And now. Magic flying cars. Brilliant. They’ve been responsible for some deaths haven’t they?

EM: Yeah, a few but those people would have died anyway, eventually.

JPB: True. Space is another thing you do. You fired a car into space not long ago and I think it’s testament to your popularity that you didn’t look like too much of a cunt doing that. Firing a car into space. Richard Branson did that and we’d all be, oh you absolute wanker.

EM: People loved it.

JPB: I reckon you could take that submarine you made-

EM: That would have worked.

JPB: Get it, fill it with gloss paint and drive it through the Great Barrier Reef and everybody will be all, Oh Elon you’re so amazing!! 

EM: Well space exploration is vital.

JPB: And why is that?

EM: Because I make space rockets.

JPB: …

EM: …

JPB: Flame throwers. Talk to me.

EM: Just a bit of fun.

JPB: Yeah, though I got hit by a Nerf bullet in my eye two or three weeks ago. I swear I went blind in it for about three hours.

EM: So?

JPB: Okay Elon, I can see you’re losing your enthusiasm here and I appreciate I’ve taken up a lot of your time already so if we could end with a little word association game. I say something and you say the first word that pops into your head. It’s kind of a good way to get to know somebody. You up for that?

EM: Perhaps… I am.

JPB: It’s not the yes/no game, right?

EM: Perhaps it isn’t.

JPB: It really isn’t. I’ll say something like… stock market and you’d say…

EM: Stock market.

JPB: But what does that make you think of. Shares? Tesla going private?

EM: I do understand.

JPB: It’s really not the yes/no game.

EM: I see.

JPB: Okay? So. NASA.

EM: Space.

JPB: Nuclear power.

EM: Atoms.

JPB: Twitter.

EM: Bird.

JPB: Apple.

EM: Soulless.

JPB: That’s interesting, you think Apple are, what, too corporate?

EM: Yeah-

JPB: Ha! It was the yes/no game!

EM: Great, well I’m busy now so you go now bye!

JPB: Bye Elon!


JPB: I’m going, I’m going. I just have to put this laptop aw