some old bullshit


Man, I’ve run a lot lately. Every day. I always run today because tomorrow I might not be able to. Fuck, that sounds brilliant. Except for the ‘to’ on the end. Still, it’s like a tagline on an Asics advert. I should email them.

Went running today. At the reservoir because it’s too windy to run along the front. It’s three miles around the reservoir and I normally do it as fast as I can but after three steps my heart was aching. I wasn’t sad or anything. I was tired. So I decided to go around twice. 6 miles slow is okay. There’s a field at the bottom I have to cross to touch the gate. Gotta touch the gate. Touch the gate then head back up the other side of the reservoir but in this field were three big fuck-off dogs. It would have been okay if they were tethered to skinheads but they weren’t. Their leads were held by adults far too small to hold such animals and who seemed to be training the dogs. Training the dogs not to eat runners judging by their reaction when they saw me. There was a lot of dog reeling in. I’m not scared of dogs, generally, but I’d handled a packet of Smackos that were in the Land Rover on the drive to the reservoir. I could see the headlines – Idiot Smelling of Dog Treats Eaten by Dogs.

The dogs didn’t eat me and I touched the gate and headed back, startling the fucking idiots with the dogs. You know? They were all grabbing for the leads and I couldn’t be bothered with that again and so I decided to just jog around once. 3 miles slow is better than no miles at any speed.

Actually that’s not true. A day off running would have done wonders but I go today because tomorrow…

Because I was going so slow I turned off my Garmin. Don’t want no slow runs stinking up my average speed for the year.

My Garmin Connect handle is swayzetrain – add me, yeah?

Then I was jogging along the tree-lined far side and there was a woman jogger just standing in the path (typical). With headphones on. She couldn’t hear me. “Beep beep!” I said nearly right into her ear and she was startled and giggled. But she moved and I jogged past and then as I was jogging I hoped she didn’t get raped or murdered. The reason I hoped she was safe and well was because I’d turned off my Garmin and couldn’t prove to the cops it wasn’t me. I always think that at the reservoir. That the GPS plotting of my run will clear me of a crime. I mean I won’t reveal the evidence straight away. I’ll wait for the detectives to get all worked up and leaning over the desk shouting into my face before showing them I’d torn around the reservoir at 6:35min mile, despite the massive hills, and couldn’t possibly have murdered anybody even if I wanted to which I didn’t. That would show everybody. 

That was this morning. Tonight I did 35 minutes on the turbo trainer then ate four chicken thighs. Wanna lose 2kgs. Then I’ll be able to run faster.