some old bullshit

Charlie Brooker: The Complete Works


This is an imaginary interview. I have never met the man. He won’t even reply to my tweets but that’s fine. Hopefully one day I will meet him when he least expects it, to interview him. It will be interesting to see how the real interview compares to this one.
JP Barker (me): Hi, Mr Brooker, thank you for allowing me this interview here in your home in one of the most desirable parts of London, Notting Hill, in Noel Gallagher’s old house.
Charlie Brooker: Yes, that’s right. But call me Charlie.
JPB: Charlie. Charlie Charlie Charlie. What a wonderful name. Classic.
CB: Thanks.
JPB: Were you ever called Charles?
CB: Charles is actually my birth name but I prefer Charlie.
JPB: So do I.
CB: Would you like anything to eat? Drink?
JPB: Oh no, I’m fine thanks, Charlie. I’m conscious of taking up too much of your time. I know you’re a very busy man.
CB: I am, I am enjoying a lot of success at the moment.
JPB: You deserve it.
CB: Thanks.
JPB: And how is the wife? Do you plan to have children with her?
CB: I would love children but I am very busy and I don’t think it would be fair at the moment to have a child and not be able to devote myself to its upbringing.
JPB: I agree, it’s terrible when your father is too busy working and never at home.
CB: I don’t want to be that guy.
JPB: So no kids with Konnie for the foreseeable future. Is Konnie here?
CB: She’s in the orchard.
JPB: Marvellous.
CB: When she comes in I will get her to make you sandwich.
JPB: If you insist. Actually, that leads me on very nicely to a question that one of my subscribers has sent in. Charlie Brooker, what is your favourite food?
CB: Hmmm, I’ve never really thought about it. I would say my favourite is probably an e-
JPB: An egg sandwich?
CB: Yes! How did you know? That’s amazing, you know me better than Konnie does!
JPB: I could just tell. Thick white bread?
CB: Yes!
JPB: *laughter*
CB: *laughter*
JPB: Do you and Konnie see each other enough?
CB: It’s difficult, we both have demanding careers so we never see each other as much as we’d like.
JPB: That does sound tough, it’s hard for these things to work. You might have been better off with somebody who wasn’t famous.
CB: I think that sometimes.
JPB: Somebody who would dedicate themselves to you.
CB: Yes.
JPB: Somebody who would never think about trying to attract any attention away from you. You who, afterall, are really the big star.
CB: Yes, it’s difficult.
JPB: I mean, Blue Peter, really? Is that even still on?
CB: I don’t know actually.
JPB: It probably isn’t.
CB: No.
JPB: Well if it does go wrong with Konnie just remember there are people out there who might not be famous but they could still be perfect for you.
CB: That’s certainly something to think about.
JPB: Another of your passions, apart from making people laugh, are computer games are they not?
CB: Yeah, I love them.
JPB: Me too, I’m currently playing Animal Crossing New Leaf on the Nintendo 3DS XL.
CB: Great choice of game and system.
JPB: Thanks mate.
CB: What colour is your 3DS XL?
JPB: Red, just a normal one from Amazon.
CB: I’ve got a special edition one from Japan.
JPB: Why am I not surprised!!
CB: Jonathon Ross got it for me.
JPB: Name dropper!
CB: I know, I’m sorry, I’m actually just a regular guy really, more like you than Stephen Fry and Jeremy Clarkson.
JPB: That’s very refreshing to hear. Shall we go out for a coffee? A game of pool.
CB: What about the interview?
JPB: Ah, fuck it.
CB: Okay, I’ll just tell Konnie I’m go-
JPB: She’ll work it out when she comes in from the orchard and you’re not here. You deserve your space.
CB: True, let me just get my wallet because tonight is on me.
JPB: If you insist.
We go out. People recognize Charlie everywhere but they don’t crowd him because they see him often around these parts. I feel like a prince.
Walking home the next morning I saw a house that looked just like Charlie Brooker, asleep, as I’d left him.