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some old bullshit

Banjo

Oh my God. Oh my God. OH MY GOD! I am so fucking excited! This, this here, this is what I live for. Where are we anyway? Oh yeah, here, sweet, I fucking love this place.
You’re choking me though. You do realise? I mean I am literally choking here. Maybe, just maybe if I pull real hard I can break free of this shackle. I pull and I’ll escape. That makes sense. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Here we go. Oh… fuck… the ligature choking me… is actually choking me… more. Only one thing for it. Must. Pull. Harder. Nope, that’s not going anywhere.
Where first? Here. Hello hello hello, I know that smell! Wonder what could it be? Better get my nose in. Oh yeah, you’re definitely getting pissed on. Umm, feels good. Oh yeah, here’s another one. This never gets old. I wish I had two dicks. Four would be better! One on each corner of my being. I’d be like the Nisshin Maru Number 2 with my formidable water cannons, fending off the Sea Shepherds in their launch as they try to interfere with my dubiously motivated whaling operation. Four dicks. That would be something.¬†Warning! This Is The Brain of Banjo the Dog Warning! I’m Pissing Here! Warning!
Over there. No, this side. I’ll do a bit of piss on that for sure. So much to piss on and so little time to piss. I better keep some in reserve for the end of this walk. Take the fucking noose off already! Come on! For fucks sake. Hang on. Oh yeah, better piss on that.
Maybe if I really try I can escape this ligature around my neck by pulling and using my brute strength. Heave! Oh no, that’s choking me even more. Pull! Nah, that’s not workin- hang on a minute. What’s he doing? Is he? He’s… he’s taking it off! Big mistake, buster. Soon as you unclip that I’m fucking gone. Telling you. No, went too soon. Come on butter fingers, take the fuck- SO LONG SUCKER!
Oh my God this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I feel like that guy who looked like Brian Blessed who got himself kidnapped and then released years later. That’s what this feels like but this is¬†undoubtedly better. Okay, take it easy now. Where is he? What’s that smell? Mien Gott! Could it be dog piss perchance!? I think it is! Actually, nah, I’m not going to piss on that one. Ha! Who am I kidding, of course I am! Oh, baby! What’s over here. Jesus! Want to get the epicentre of this one. BOOM! There. Job done. A bit more – oh, I think I need a shit now. I sort of hoped this would happen. This is all working out perfectly. I’ll do a shit here. I’m shitting. What are you looking at? Is that it? Yeah that’s it. I’ll bury it. No, actually thinking about it there’s no time. Hey, it’s the thought that counts.
Hold up, is that what I think it is? Is that… is that another dog? Scanning! Analysing! That’s another dog alright. What are the odds? Better look confident. We can smell fear.
Sup? Don’t mind me. Just going around the back here for a sniff. Woah! Dude, relax. Oh yeah! You want some? YOU WANT SOME? I’m right here! Come at me! COME AT ME! Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up. That’s right, get dragged off! Bye bye! Go on, see ya! You fucking dick! You’re lucky you’ve got that lead on. What the hell was his problem? He must’ve just pissed there. I’ll piss on that.
Ah, shit, I just thought! That fucker’s going to piss on all my piss, rendering all my efforts redundant. Damn. That’s disappointing.
Hopefully one day in the future we’ll return to this place and I swear on my bed that when we do I’m going to do so much pissing they better dig Norris McWhirter up to record it. And Roy Castle.
That jerk kind of took the shine off the day. Oh, wait there. Aw yeah! That one stinks, I reckon this is – yeah it’s got to be. It’s fuckhead’s best piss. Bet he hoped it’d last more than two minutes. Well he can kiss goodbye to it now. Uh! Has revenge ever felt sweeter? I don’t think so. Mess with me and you’re gonna ge…
Fuck. My number’s up. He’s shouting me. Not got long. Okay, pretend you haven’t heard him and get sniffing. Come on come on, pressure’s on. Fuck it I’ll piss on that even though I’m not sure wh…
What? Okay I can hear you. I’m a fucking dog aren’t I? You come here. No YOU come here. Oh for fuck’s sake.

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