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some old bullshit

So I look a bit like a turd

Hey, it’s not my fault! It’s just how I was made, man. You with me? What exactly can I do about it? I shouldn’t even been stressing about it. I mean, yeah, I do look like a turd but I’m not a turd. Certainly don’t smell like a turd. Do I? No. It’s just an unfortunate coincidence, my appearance. I shouldn’t worry what people think but it’s hard. I need a thicker skin. I suppose most people in polite society won’t notice, and if they do they certainly won’t mention it. I don’t know if that’s better. That kinda makes things worse. I’ll be there thinking, you think I look like a turd, while the person I’m facing is sort of going out of their way to not even consider that fact. Pity writ large on their face. Being polite. Because they’re too polite.

Kids, though… kids don’t have that, you know, that self restraint. They’re gonna say that I look like a turd. Just blurt it out. They might get a laugh out of it. I don’t know which I prefer. The pity or the… I just wish I didn’t look like a turd.

I’m not precious. I can take a laugh at my expense but, yeah, I’m telling you, I’d rather not look like a turd. There. Said it. Being honest now. Given the choice. A choice I know I’ll never be given I would much prefer to not look like a turd.

Here we go, out of the frying pan… that’s what they say, isn’t it? Deep breaths.

Okay, go on, laugh it up. I look like a turd. I’m ready. Say it, kids. Say I look like a turd. Get it out, you’ll feel better. Your mother will probably scold you for it but your idiot brother will probably piss his pants, so say it. Yuck yuck yuck. Hilarious.

Checking me out, huh? You’re fucking stunned you’ve come face to face with a turd. Can’t fully register it, right? Your undeveloped brain is struggling. Too full of Pokemon and Nyan Cat, is it? I look like a turd! Big wow! Now’s your chance, be a hero.

Just fucking say it! I look like a turd! Go on. Shout it out. I can’t fucking handle this tension.

What do you mean, what am I? Why are you even asking that? Are you really that fucking stupid? I’m a turd. A smelly turd. Look at me! I couldn’t look more like a turd if I tried. Just get it over with.

Whoa, what are you doing with that knife? No. Come on. That’s… no. NO!

Taken from The Life and Death of a Lamb Kofta by Jamie P Barker

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