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some old bullshit

Heaven

I recently had the opportunity to do a walkie-talkie interview with God and to talk to him about his great theme park in the sky – Heaven tm.

JPB – Hello God, good buddy, and may I start by first saying a big 10/4 to you for taking the time for this interview.

God – …

JPB – So then, Heaven. Talk to me. Over.

God – …

JPB – From what I’ve heard Heaven is totally cool but I do have a few concerns. I guess because that whole if something sounds too good to be true then it usually is thing that the Dragons from Dragons Den have instilled upon me. First off the eternal question. Eternity, is it all it’s cracked up to be? Is it? Is it all it’s cracked up to be? Eternity?

God – …

JPB – It’s just that I love doing things. Some things I really love doing – you’ve probably caught me at it a few times!  Blush! And I could happily do those things for a whole year straight. You know?

God – …

JPB – But a thousand years? A hundred thousand years? A billion years? A quadrillion years? Things are going to get real old eventually. It’ll fall off first! How in the name of fuck do you keep things fresh up there? Over.

God – …

JPB – Let me get this straight, we won’t have a body? How does that work then?

God – …

JPB – So we can’t do the things we enjoy down here in a literal sense?

God – …

JPB – I see. I must ask then in what way is Heaven better than, say, Alton Towers because I’ve heard that place is wicked – oops – I mean awesome. Over.

God – …

JPB – You’re not really selling this to me. I have to tell you the whole thing sounds a bit, well, unlikely.

God – …

JPB – If you want me to be good, which means having a bad time on Earth so I can get into heaven, then I want stock car racing and BBQs on demand up there. And I want four seasons, Winter and Summer and Spring and Autumn.

God – …

JPB  – You don’t have seasons? Not even one? No snow?  WTF M8? So no snowboarding?

God – …

JPB – Floating around as a happy light for billions upon billions upon billions of years sounds a bit lame, and no offence meant with that statement. I’m struggling to picture it. I’m just a kind of physical guy though, you know? I fucking love running. I’m psychotic about it and for that I’m going to need legs. Two of them at least.

God – …

JPB – Now, onto the whole worship thing. Down here if there’s somebody who says, ‘you gotta worship me!” Then that’s a sure fire sign that that guy is a dick!

God – …

JPB – Ricky Gervais, for example.

God -…

JPB – But if  you don’t like Ricky Gervais it’s not like he then fucks up your eternity. Not even he’s that petty or spiteful. You seem pretty sensitive. You’d kind a think if you were a good God – ha! Good God! – If you were a good God you’d be more relaxed. Like a hippy. Be more, ‘you can worship me if you want, I’ll still look after you.” Chilled.

God – …

JPB – Hey, well done claiming the name God, by the way. There must have been quite high demand  for that one when all the Gods were picking names. Did you camp outside or something?

God – …

JPB – My friend made an app, Story, but he couldn’t get a decent URL.

God -…

JPB – Had to go with storyapp.co or some shit. You can’t even search for it… But you with the name God and being a God… You should give him a break.

God – …

JPB – I think he’s gonna kill himself.

God – …

JPB – And what’s the deal with the Devil? You send bad guys to him, right? And bad guys are supposed to not want to go there?

God – …

JPB -Why the Hell would he punish bad guys? Surely it’d be like… like a Hell’s Angels tavern. With all their bikes lined up outside. I mean, you send an evil dude to a really evil dude, well, that’s a fucking recipe for disaster! Capiche? Over.

God – …

JPB – Like at school they’d try and separate all the bad kids. It’s kinda flawed. Dread to think what Hitler, The Devil and Bob Hoskins are planning.

God – …

JPB – It’s not going to be a picnic. Be a bunch of pirates there too. With pirate guns.

God -…

JPB – Well, our time’s up here and really I’m sure Heaven is awesome but I just don’t know whether it’s for me. It’s a risk I’m not sure I’m prepared to take. I rent a Gite I’m going to scope it out on the internet first. Check the area. Check out Tripadvisor. You know what I’m saying?

God – …

JPB – Catch you later, God.

God – …ucking thing on?

JPB – Oh I can hear you now. I thought that… you know, with the not answering. And that was all the time I had as well.

God – For fuck’s sake, I’ve a great anecdote about how I got the name.