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some old bullshit

An Interview with George Clooney

I recently had the opportunity to interview Hollywood leading man, George Clooney on his sailing boat in the marina.

Jamie P Barker: George!

George Clooney: Hey.

JPB: So this is your first interview since the fake one that appeared in Hello! magazine.

JC: I guess it is. But it’s GC. Not JC.

JPB: Pardon?

JC: You’ve abbreviated my name to JC. It should be GC.

JPB: Oh yeah. Sorry about that.

GC: No problem.

JPB: General Classification. GC. Your name isn’t George, though, is it? You have a really foreign name in real life.

GC: That’s right, I was born Jorge Klopolopodopidis.

JPB: Klopo…

GC: Lopodopopidis.

JPB: What a mouthful! No wonder you changed it!

GC: When you’re signing autographs you want a shorter name.

JPB: Of course, your wrist would fall off signing that one all the time. Pens running out all over the show.

GC: It’s just easier.

JPB: It must also help with the racism that seems rampant all across America.

GC: Well, lucky for me I don’t look as foreign as I am.

JPB: Big eyebrows but apart from that… and you don’t have an accent, which must help.

GC: Imagine, me talking like Stavros! Hello peeps, I is a bloody big movie star!

JPB: Ha! Yeah, that wouldn’t be good. Trump would have you shot. But what made me think America has a problem with racism is because I’ve noticed nobody wins Top Chef if they have an accent.

GC: You’re a Top Chef fan?

JPB: Ah, I was, I’ve gone off it recently. The judges seem to be in love with themselves a bit too much and I don’t agree with a lot of the winners. Of course I don’t get to taste the food but that foreign guy this season was miles better than the guy who won.

GC: And you think he didn’t win because of his accent?

JPB: I really do. I think head judge Tom Coliccio is a bit of a… well, you know, the shaved head. Probably has a cupboard full of bovver boots.

GC: I’ll look into it when I get back to America. I can’t abide racism.

JPB: Me neither. Hey, maybe get you wife to look into it? Stefan should definitely have won a couple of seasons back. Yeah, this case should be right up your wife’s alley.

GC: You mean my wife the famous Human Rights lawyer?

JPB: Yeah, that one.

GC: I’ll do that.

JPB: Smashing. Okay, now apart from having a famous Human Rights lawyer for a wife you’re probably best known for the Nespresso adverts.

GC: Thanks. Did you see the one where I gave away my shoes or something?

JPB: Yeah, was that filmed on this boat?

GC: Erm, no, I think that one was filmed on a veranda.

JPB: Was it?

GC: Yeah, on a hotel’s veranda.

JPB: Thought it was on a boat.

GC: No. I think the sea was in the background maybe that’s why you’re thinking that it was on a boat.

JPB: Yeah, maybe.

GC: …

JPB: Anyway. Kids. Do you have them?

GC: No.

JPB: Lucky you! It’s the Easter holidays now. They’re hard work. I have two. They’re doing my head in.

GC: Still, they give you so much.

JPB: Easy to say when you don’t have any. I’ve got one, he’s seven. Jacob. He’s completely mental. He does all the violent drawings. You know? Wants to shoot everything. I should get him looked at.

GC: I’m sure it’s nothing.

JPB: You’re a big expert, are you? On children? Where did you get your child psychology degree, huh? Harvard?

GC: No, it’s just you seem like a great father.

JPB: I try my best but it’s hard.

GC: …

JPB: Back to your career. Are the Nespresso machines any good?

GC: They really are!

JPB: I don’t know, espresso for me is all about freshness. Do I want to be drinking what is basically canned espresso?

GC: Those pods hold the freshness in! That’s one of the big benefits. Also the lack of mess. Making espresso can be a bit of a rigmarole.

JPB: You’re not wrong there, George Clooney, but to me that’s part of the experience. Tamping and all that. The pour. It’s a… what’s the word?

GC: Don’t know.

JPB: Means that it’s the whole experience.

GC: Oh I get that. But you’d be impressed with a Nespresso, I promise. They really are pretty good.

JPB: Holistic maybe. I’m going to stick with my espresso machine, if that’s okay with you. Hey, I watched Goosebumps last night. Jack Black?

GC: Any good?

JPB: Yeah, it was alright.

GC: Jack Black, he’s a great guy. One of the funniest people I’ve ever met.

JPB: So?

GC: I just…

JPB: Okay. You’ve been in three films that I’ve seen. Burn After Reading. You were good in that but Brad Pitt ruined it with his stupid acting. You ran a lot in that film. Do you still run?

GC: That’s right! The character kept going running. Kept trying to fit in runs.

JPB: You did.

GC: Well, yeah, the character I played.

JPB: You were doing the character, George. And did you keep up running after the film finished.

GC: I didn’t actually go running. The character would say he was going running. I didn’t actually go.

JPB: …

GC: Yeah. Just said I was going running. Acting.

JPB: And have you continued running since the film finished?

GC: Yes.

JPB: Good, I love running. How far do you run in a week?

GC: Well, I just like to get out when I can… it depends on the filming schedule but-

JPB: I do fifty miles a week. I make time.

GC: Yup. That’s a good idea.

JPB: In Parks and Recreation that guy who was in Wayne’s World did a lot of running. He was fast. Have you been running with him.

GC: No.

JPB: The other film I saw you in was O Brother Where Art Though?

GC: Thou. With the singing.

JPB: Yeah, thou, I liked that one even though it had singing in it. I normally hate singing in films but it was okay and you had funny teeth. But your teeth seem okay now. Was that real singing?

GC: Yep, I had some coaching but that’s my voice you hear!

JPB: You didn’t run as much in that film.

GC: No.

JPB: But you run over a cow in an old car? I liked that bit.

GC: That rings a bell.

JPB: Ha! If the cow had a bell around its neck then the car hitting it would have rung it. Is that what you meant? Because it’s clever. If the cow had a bell.

GC: No. The… the erm, cow was added in. CGI so I never saw it until the final cut.

JPB: CGI, that’s computer generated graphics.

GC: That’s right.

JPB: And the other film I saw you in was really good but I can’t for the life of me remember the name! Gah! I keep thinking Jack Reacher but that’s Tom Cruise. It was definitely you and the film was called your character’s name. You were like a hitman, a bit. You got stuff done. You were a doer.

GC: That was… Michael Clayton.

JPB: Yeah! I liked that one.

GC: Thanks. You didn’t see Gravity?

JPB: Gravity?

GC: Me and Sarah Bullock in space? I drif-

JPB: I did see that! That was okay too. So four films. You died pretty early on in that one.

GC: I came back as a ghost.

JPB: You sure did, George. You sure did. Anyway, my battery’s nearly gone. And I didn’t bring the power supply. I figured you’d only have American plug sockets on this tub. And I’ve got to go up to B&Q, get some hinges for the gate that blew down.

GC: Yeah, I only have those weird American ones that we use.

JPB: That’s what I thought.

GC: But this has been fun, we should do it again.

JPB: Yeah, we’ll see. Actually I did want to ask you if you ever got a stiffy in a sex sc