Dept 17


You know those nightmares that are, like, double nightmares? You’re having a nightmare and you wake up, or think you do, but you’re still dreaming? Well they don’t happen. Ever. That’s just bullshit people write. Last night I had a normal nightmare and that was bad enough. I can’t remember the exact details but I was being chased. I’d been found out – I didn’t know what I’d done but it was bad – and the authorities were closing in.

I woke up. Just calmly. Didn’t wake up with a gasp, covered in sweat, but I must have been moaning in my sleep because Susan knew something was wrong. I told her about the nightmare because she’s into star signs and meditation and all that. Thought she’d know what it meant. She had a think and said it meant I was gay and as she went back to sleep I lay there thinking and I’m pretty sure it was about work.

From what I’ve read a lot of people feel out of their depth at work and, yeah, I guess that’s me. I guess I am anxious that one day somebody will come in, see us sitting around and ask me to justify Department 17. I worry about that question. I should, by now, have a fucking answer ready. But I’m not even sure I can justify it. I mean, honestly we’re fucking useless. I don’t know. It’s like… I guess the idea is that three people with powers added together make one person will super powers. But is it? I feel like Firelighter, Sub and Tan somehow make up one rubbish normal human.

Fucking Tan. The Tanned Surfer. Being able to walk on water? How’s that useful? Not that he can walk on water. He can slide on it, if he’s going fast enough. Oh, it’s a miracle! Like Jesus! Jesus can walk on water! It’s, like, So? You know? When you think about it. It’s a cool trick but how does it help anybody?

In Jesus times, people see him walk on water three times and they’d be done.

I can’t justify the text on this thing either. It’s not an option. Hate that, words on the right-hand side ending all wiggledy-piggledy. Looks shit.

Sub. Subsonic. What does that name even mean? He can’t go the speed of sound. Well, newsflash, nor can anybody else on this Island. I don’t know. We’re well funded but that could all change. If somebody started asking questions.

Firelighter is good. She was at the bonfire last night. She lit it. Bonfire night, innit. That’s a crowd-pleaser but it’s once a year. And isn’t the ability to put out fires more useful than being able to start them? You know? I shouldn’t have looked at Facebook before I went to bed. Most people loved seeing her but there were two or three nobheads, and it’s those comments that stick.


I’ve got to plan something. It’s up to me. It’s not like I’ve got a fallback. I can’t go back to the car park because that’s all computerized now. So, what? Go and work in the Social Security Department? Dealing with deadbeats all day? That’s too grim to think about. I’ve got to somehow make this work. Just… I don’t know, I’ll think of something.

Hey, maybe those double nightmares are a thing. You’re having a bad dream and you wake up and life is a nightmare.

We’ll do more training today, that’s a thing, although Firelighter’s off because she worked last night. Then I’ll have a think over the weekend. Gotta relax too. And I’ll put a new fan belt on the Land Rover.