I have a scroll I figured should be worth a few grand and I need cash bad. So I took it along to a filming of the BBC’s hit show Antiques Roadshow. The place was packed but eventually it’s my turn. We had to wait a bit longer as they wanted the cameras to film us -my balls twitch at this- they don’t just film any old shit. Only the good stuff. Eventually they’re ready and this old guy is looking at my scroll and we’re going through where it came from -great great great granddad yadda yadda yadda- and you know, this old guy is really into it. He’s really digging it and I’m starting to think fucking. Big. Bucks. You know? Pay off the catalogue and, hey, who knows, maybe a Subaru.
Yeah, so this guy, who himself is an antique, is practically having a seizure over the history of my scroll and I’m all, like, “yeah, yeah, yeah!” not even listening, like Muttley the dog.
He finishes and he goes, “now onto value,” and my heart is going like the clappers. Somehow in my head I’ve got this scroll up to nearly a cool mil in value, just from how excited this old guy is! I’m thinking one of those smart places in Spain with the golfer, laser eye surgery, the works.
“As a historical piece it’s just about priceless,” he goes and I nearly black out, I swear. How much is priceless? I’m thinking. I’m going to be buying me a football club and a drone and and and and.
“For insurance purposes I’d put a figure of £200 on it.”
SOUND OF A NEEDLE BEING TORN OFF A RECORD
“What?” I’m going. I’m just going what?
“These things aren’t tremendously collectable, but I’m sure the sentimental value to you is much greater,” the old guy is saying.
“No.” I go.
“Well…” he says
It’s at this point I just get up and start fucking windmilling. I definitely hit Michael Aspel and I think I broke a piano. I am currently hiding in a vintage armoire.