Jamie, you’re the funniest person I know, why don’t you do stand-up, huh?
That’s a question I get asked probably, like, ten times a day and my answer is always the same. “Stan, People who do stand-up comedy are mentally damaged and people who watch it are fucking stupid.”
I don’t even need to explain why people who do it are fucked. The fact they do it is enough. I know, I’ll stand up on a stage and tell jokes! Jesus Christ. I mean, we all know about the tears of a clown but it’s a truism. Anybody who gets up on a stage to tell jokes they’ve prepared spends the rest of the time crying. The stupid fuckers. Guy on the news yesterday uses his anorexia for his comedy routine. Get me a fucking ticket for that wild ride.
Anyway, I don’t blame stand-up comedians for being fucked in the head. They’d just be the Liverpudlian who makes up poetry in a pub, if it wasn’t for the fucking idiots who go and watch it. Giving them a platform. Enabling them, if you will.
Hey, you see that Stewart Lee/Russel Brand/Ricky Gervais? I pissed my pants!
Let’s think about that. You pissed your pants. Tell me this. If it was simply you and Stewart, one-on-one in a room and he’s doing his stuff would you piss your pants then? Fuck no. You’d be sitting there all fucking awkward. Grin fixed on your stupid fucking face while Stewpot delivered something to your face that he’d slaved over in his flat for the last few months. Between crying jags. You might chuckle if he got off a really good one. You wouldn’t howl with laughter unless you were fucked, no way. Sitting there howling with laughter into another man’s face? imagine it! Jesus fucking Christ, what the Hell is wrong with you?
Yet you get a crowd of people and they’ll roar with laughter at the exact same stuff you were awkwardly smiling at in that room when it was one-on-one. They won’t be able to breathe they’re laughing so hard. All red faced. Nearly blacking-out. What’s that about? What do you call that phenomenon? I’ll tell you, it’s called Mass Hysteria. Like when soldiers see angels. It’s fucked. It’s wrong. Explain the audience laughing at Russell Howard when he says something that nobody in their right mind would laugh at. Explain that? Hysteria.
Oh, I needed a good laugh, some fucking idiot might say to his idiot mate as the rolled out of The Palladium. Their sides aching worse than that anorexic’s. You needed a good laugh? Fuck me, that’s the other side of the coin from, I needed a good cry. You need a good anything and you’re in fucking trouble, buddy. A good slap, maybe. Man up or ship out. Control your emotions.
So yeah, going to see a deeply unhappy – hey, we all know somebody who’s tried stand-up, right? What have they got in common? Oh yeah, crippling fucking depression – person try make a bunch of fucking stupid people laugh loudly isn’t my idea of a fun time.