Fuck Me Pink

Did you see last night’s Wheeler Dealers? No? You fucking idiot, you missed a corker. They did a BMW Z1.

Yeah, Mike had to source it from mainland Europe in the end because that’s where they sold most of them. Something about them all being left-hand drive or something. Actually at first Mike said they were ALL left-hand drive but later on in the show he said most them were. Whatever his lies the point is he had to source it from Holland in the end.

He went over in an orange van with a trailer. It was fucking obvious he was going to buy it. Turning up with a trailer. The Hergle Bergle who was selling it knew HE was in the driving seat when Mike turned up with that! Actually the Dutchman wasn’t in the driving seat but Mike soon was as he took the Z1 for a test-drive.

The car was yellow. I thought it looked okay but Mike nearly shit when he saw it.

The test-drive threw up a few problems. Something about the gears or something. Mike actually diagnosed the correct problem which was weird because he’s normally well fucking clueless when it comes to engines and stuff. That’s borne out in the fact he thought the exhaust note from the Z1 was flipping magic. Later in the show Edd found out the exhaust was fucked. Told you Mike was usually clueless.

He gets back and tries to beat down the Dutchy – Hertz Van Rental his name was – on the price but Asterix isn’t having any of it. He gives Mike about a tenner off it and Mike’s making out like he did well when in fact he got schooled by Poirot. Serves him right because that little jig he normally does, right in front of the vendor, when he gets a bargain is a bit crass.

Oh yeah, one of the doors are fucked.

They get it back to Edd’s workshop in the UK. Lucky Mike took that trailer, eh? Mike parks the Z1 outside the garage doors, in front of the camera crew and revs the engine. Edd comes out all surprised. Edd loves the car. Mike’s still moaning about the colour of the car but Edd seems to quite like it at first. I think Mike gets to Edd behind the scenes because soon Edd also hates the colour and they decide to repsray it. I mean respray it.

Edd’s first job is to take all the body panels off, something he keeps saying BMW reckon should take forty minutes. It takes Edd six hours or something, and that’s with all the tools. Also Edd has helpers that come out of a cupboard when there’s heavy lifting to be done. They didn’t show the whole six hours and soon the body was off. Edd noticed that the inside of the panels are red, the original colour, and decides to paint the car red. How original! Off go the panels to the painters.

With the body off Edd can fix all the stuff in the engine and door mechanism but he’s got all the tools and people in cupboards so it’s easy for him. I could probably do it. No sweat. First Edd fixes the gear stuff that Mike noticed on the test-drive and then he starts on the door. It was about now I noticed Edd is always wearing orange rubber gloves. Always. When he searches for parts andĀ things on the computer he’s wearing big orange rubber gloves. Shaking hands with people. Big rubber gloves.

I decided Edd either had a brain disorder or really manky leprosy hands. Because he also always wears a long-sleeve top under his T-shirts. So his arms and hands were always hidden. I was minded of that Blue Peter presenter who had Giraffitis or something. Her arms were like that of a giraffes. She announced it on Blue Peter when I was a child. Very brave.

As I wondered what the fuck was wrong with Edd the show went to the next scene and Edd didn’t even have gloves on and his hands looked fine.

I’d wasted several minutes thinking about skin disorders.

Edd fixed the door glovelessly with the aid of twenty kilograms of water which when hung from a belt gave just the right amount of tension to a problematic door putterupperer.

Actually before all this Edd fixed the exhaust problem that stupid Mike had missed. Had to get a new one built because a genuine BMW one was over a grand! He’s really worried about the cost of this thing, right? Him and Mike both are, right? Because at the same time Mike’s taken the seats off to a man who – instead of expensively reupholstering the seats – is going to dye them black. They were yellow. They go through the process and in the end they look sweet and Mike’s saved a few hundred pounds. I’d be worried about sitting in those chairs in a white suit myself but it looks like a proper job. And he’s saved money. Because they’re worried about the price. Right?

Fucking wrong.

See, the body comes back all painted and Edd casually mentions that it cost three and a half grand to paint! Fuck me sideways! It was only a few bits of plastic. Apparently they needed special bendy paint, but still, three and a half grand! Surely that’s the profit gone.

Edd fits it all back together and he’s got his gloves back on. I’d have had about a million bolts left over if I’d done it but he gets it back together perfectly. He said when he started taking it apart to label everything but you can’t label a thousand tiny screws. And I’d need a map of where to put them back. Impossible, but Edd does it.

And then it’s finished and Mike comes back and they go for a test-drive. Mike’s extolling the virtue of the exhaust note, the exhaust note he didn’t notice was wrong at the beginning! What a hypocrite. Mike always drives at the end. Edd’s never allowed to but mid-way through the show Edd, when Mike was off fannying about with the seats, had driven the Z1 around without it’s body on! looked like a few bits blew away but Edd didn’t seem to notice and Mike didn’t find out.

On their last test-drive it seemed like Edd was going to ask Mike a different question but mid-question he asked him how much he was going to ask for the Beemer. It was all out of the blue. Normally it’s, “so Mike, down to brass tacks, what are we going to ask for this?” But on this occasion Edd said something like, “I think it’s important that we…” And I thought he was going to say, “have restored a classic like this.” Whereas he actually said, “I think it’s important that we- slight pause – how much are we going to ask for the Beemer?” Edd calls it a Beemer.

Twenty-five grand they asked. And they got it. First bloke who looked at it, even though it’s a girl’s car.