You want to be a runner, right? Sure you do. Everybody wants to be a runner. Look at them, all gliding along, healthy and in the zone. How do they do it? You see runners and wish you could run. You wish you could be one of them, but running is complicated, isn’t it? They have magazines about it. And apps. You have to have the Couch 2 5K app installed or you might try running and do it all wrong and die right there on the pavement like an idiot. A crowd will gather around your red, sweaty corpse and tut. What the hell was this idiot thinking, trying to run? They’ll murmur before dispersing, leaving your shameful dead body for the binman.
You definitely can’t run 5k. Five thousand metres. 5000. That’s a long way. That app promises to get you to 5k. It must be difficult if you need an app. You’ll never be able to run that far. It’s not even worth considering. At least not without all the gear, anyway. It’s probably not worth running less than 5k, or they wouldn’t have made an app about it. Yeah, maybe you’ll try running one day, you’d like that, but you need to prepare. You need to buy all the gear. Maybe you’ll start when it gets hotter. When the weather gets hotter? Hmm, might get too hot. Better wait for when it gets colder. That’ll give you time to prepare. Buy some shoes. A sports bra.
Like fuck do you need to prepare. You really are an idiot. It’s just running. It’s not complicated. It’s not maths. You don’t need any gear. Your manky old trainers are fine. You’ve got shorts right? Clothes anyway. You do have clothes you could run in. You won’t die if you run in the wrong clothes. Wear something that hides your jiggly ass if you’re worried about that. You shouldn’t be worried about anything. Because you’re going for a run. You’re about to do a great thing. You’re a hero.
Let’s do this already.
Okay, you’ve got shoes on. Yeah, they’ll be fine. Tremendous. What’s that? Do you need to warm up? You’ve heard you need to warm up? If you don’t warm up and stretch you’ll get injured and die?
No, that won’t happen. You’ll get warm and stretched while running, I’m telling you. You’ll get too warm, if anything.
*Slaps water bottle out of hand*
So, shall we get started? Don’t look so nervous. Relax. You can’t fail at this. You literally can’t fail. If you only run 20 metres then you’ve run 20 metres. You’ve run. So look up, where do you want to go to? You don’t want to go very far? Don’t think you’ll be able to go very far? Okay then, we won’t go very far. You don’t have to go very far. There’s no certain distance you have to run. Let’s just start running.
Whoah. Not too fast, huh? Slow down. It’s not a race. We’ll take it nice and slow. Nobody is timing you. Just run. You’re warm now, huh? Legs are hurting? Breathing is fucked? Yep, that’s running. Don’t worry, you won’t die. Your body won’t let you run to its death. It’s got, like, a self-preservation system. Your heart is supposed to be hammering. Don’t worry.
People aren’t looking at you. Don’t feel self-conscious. They’re not driving past thinking that you look stupid. That you’re a fraud. They’re thinking how you once did. They’re thinking, I wish I could run. Maybe they will one day, who knows? I know that you’re doing it now.
Yeah, have a break. Stop running and have a walk, it’s up to you. It’s just running, right? It’s up to you how far you go. Have a break and go further. Or head back. Jog back or walk. You’ve done it now. You went out there and ran. You can go further next time. Or not as far. Day after tomorrow would be best. Your legs will be killing you tomorrow. Might even have to wait three or four days before you run again. And then, if you feel like it, you can try to go further. You don’t have to but, and this is a guarantee, one day you’ll want to. Today you ran. You’re a hero. The World’s greatest fucking hero. A God. You’re a runner now.