Dear Sir I am sure I speak for all islanders when I say that we are immensely proud of our zoo and the wonderful work it does in the world of conservation. This is why it’s so sad to see it in financial difficulties. However, and it pains me to say this, it’s not very […]Read more "Jersey Zoo"
You want to be a runner, right? Sure you do. Everybody wants to be a runner. Look at them, all gliding along, healthy and in the zone. How do they do it? You see runners and wish you could run. You wish you could be one of them but running is complicated, isn’t it? They have […]Read more "Just Do It Already"
After my interview I went to the bookshop in town – they had a signing going off and the guy signing the book was, I thought, Hale or Pace (I can’t tell them apart.) Anyway, it was Hale or Pace so I said to him, “where’s the other one?” just to say something – I never […]Read more "Talking of Hi-De-Hi!"
“How do you do clean your floor?” I swaid. That’s right, swaid. I was swaying slightly as I said it because free wine had happened to me. “Excuse m-” “Novak!” I swhouted. “Yes.” “If you haven’t got a vac, how do you clean your floor?” “What?” “Ha!” Excellent. Things were going excellently. I’d plucked up the […]Read more "BJ Novak"
This is an imaginary interview. I have never met the man. Hopefully I will one day, to interview him, it will be interesting to see how the real interview compares to this one. JP Barker (me): Hi, Mr Brooker, thank you for allowing me this interview here in your home in one of the most […]Read more "An Interview With Charlie Brooker"
“I didn’t see it,” I said and Charlie Brooker just looked at me, bemused, shaking his head and smiling. I looked back down at my dinner and pushed a piece of lemon chicken around my plate. “I was probably watching Netflix,” I added. “This is what I lo… like about you,” replied Charlie after he’d […]Read more "Dinner with Charlie Brooker"
“It’s a Volvo.” My father thought it was a Lexus and so I corrected him. “Looks like a Lexus.” “Nah, it’s an XC90. A Volvo.” We were watching my brother park his Volvo. He hadn’t done a great job of it. And then we were watching him climb out of the Volvo. And then only […]Read more "Comparisons"
A YEAR AND A DAYRead more "A Year and a Day"
“Just scooped it out the bowl and threw it out the window!” “Oh Mario,” said Princess Peach, screwing her face up in mock disgust. “Don’t worry, I washed my hands. Hey, crisps?” “What flavour have they got?” “The fuck should I know? You want some or not.” “Yeah, I’ll have some, just not prawn cocktail,” […]Read more "Nintendo Night"
I really do. Always have done, I don’t know why. I also don’t know what the hell ; is or how you use them, it hasn’t held me back. Wanna hear about the process? Sure you do. I was mowing the lawn. See, I don’t sit down and think of something to write. That never works. […]Read more "I Love Writing"
NINE/ELEVEN “You guys are all heroes. I mean real heroes.” “Well… yeah, thanks,” said Robert, hoping that was enough but the lady’s face was sad and wanting more. “It was…” Robert raised his eyebrows and shook his head and avoided looking at her. That was enough, surely. He looked at her. No. My God! She wanted […]Read more "Short Story"
I got this idea from watching TV. For the last few weeks I’ve been visiting the local council estates asking if I can help them do a bunch of stuff, menial stuff like painting murals, counselling rape victims and sitting through wretched urban theatre productions. It’s tough. I bring my wife along with her video […]Read more "Secret Millionaire"
I parked my car and walked over to Paula. She was sitting on the bonnet of Enrique’s Cadillac which was slowly but surely becoming one with the disabled bay in which it sat. The Cadillac itself gave off the aura of a mentally unstable and grieving Russian father’s marble monument to his negligently killed family. […]Read more "Clarkson"
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God! I am so very excited. This is what I live for. I guess that sounds sad but this is my time to shine. Where are we anyway? Oh yeah, sweet, I fucking love this place. It’s a coincidence we both love coming here but I’m glad we do. You are choking […]Read more "Banjo"
Beep He slid his rucksack off his shoulders. While opening the main zip he simultaneously removed the trowel he thought of as The Doer from his belt. He wore three trowels around his belt but The Doer was his favourite because – and you’ve probably guessed this – it got things done. The other two […]Read more "After the Storm"